Counseling After an Affair ...

There are a number of problems that can strain a marriage, but few are as destructive and devastating as infidelity. Whether the betrayal occurs as an emotional or physical affair, the reasons it happened have likely been in place for quite a while. This is not to say that the underlying issues excuse the affair as acceptable because seeking help could have been an option earlier. 

It Takes Two 

Engaging in an intimate relationship with someone outside the marriage is sometimes an attempt to have needs met that are not being fulfilled within the marital setting. Even if only one partner has an affair, both parties usually have played a role in the communication breakdown. When the quality of the emotional and psychological connection between two people is strong, the likelihood of an affair is very low. 

Sometimes individuals develop major issues before marriage that can increase the probability or risk of infidelity in a relationship. When one in the relationship has problems with sex addiction, it can be more complicated in determining the causes of this infidelity. It may likely have nothing to do with how the partner contributed to any relationship decline. When someone has problems with sex addiction, it is important for the individual to explore his/her underlying issues from personal history. Despite having these external factors, the partner will still likely notice signs of distancing or odd behavior patterns that start to occur when this problem arises. These red flags are often ignored due to avoidance of pain or denial.

The most effective work that can be done to protect a marriage is when the couple is in prevention mode. It is best to work hard at protecting the marriage from infidelity. Keeping lines of communication open daily and setting certain times to talk through issues is imperative for a healthy relationship. Having regular, at least weekly conversations, about how each other are doing and/or feeling about the relationship, can help couples examine and repair deficiencies that could negatively affect the marriage. If a problem comes up that a couple has difficulty resolving, it would be wise to seek outside help.

After an affair is first discovered, powerful emotions are triggered for both partners–shock, rage, guilt, remorse, and/or depression, to name a few. It’s important at this time to proceed carefully and not make rash decisions. Give each other space and take a timeout when emotions are running high to avoid saying or doing something that might later cause even more damage to the relationship. Seek the support of trusted friends or family, and consider consulting with a marriage counselor to help process what you are feeling.

How Can Marriage Counseling Help?

A licensed therapist, who is specifically trained in couples counseling, can assist in identifying issues that might have contributed to the affair. The unfaithful partner needs to sever all ties to the third party, take responsibility for his or her actions, and focus on the marital relationship.

Understanding

It’s important for both partners to understand what was behind the affair before deciding whether to continue or end the marriage. The spouse who did not “stray” is usually not entirely innocent of blame, and it is likely that neither party knew what to do when intimacy started dropping off and the disconnect began.

Perspective

A marriage counselor can help put the affair into perspective, shedding light on how each partner contributed to the communication breakdown, which led to seeking emotional and/or physical fulfillment elsewhere.

Honesty

Both partners need to be honest in discussing what happened, no matter how difficult talking or hearing about the affair may be.  Couples should proceed slowly here, perhaps sharing only simple facts in the beginning, and saving more intimate details until further along in the therapeutic process.

A Safe Environment

In the setting of a counselor’s office, each spouse can express how they’ve been hurt by the other in a safe environment. A skilled therapist knows how to make sure each partner hears and understands what is being said by the other.

Communication

Couples therapy can not only help heal the past, but teach healthier ways to communicate in the future. Learning to openly discuss issues and express needs as they occur can prevent much heartache down the road.

Reality

That said, not all marriages affected by infidelity can or should be saved. Some people will engage in affairs regardless of their partner’s attempts to reconcile. Too much damage may have occurred in some cases, and thus reconciliation is impossible to achieve. Valuable life lessons learned in counseling sessions can still prevent future problems, whether in the current relationship or a new one.

Rebuild and Strengthen

Through marital counseling, it is possible to rebuild and strengthen the marriage, if that is the couples’ mutual goal. It will take time to restore trust and recover from the infidelity. Making a commitment to attend therapy sessions together for as long as it takes to heal is an important step in moving forward together. Forgiving each other for the role played in the erosion of their relationship is not easy, but can occur with time. The marriage can be saved if both partners are willing, and do their part to make it happen.

An affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage. By rebuilding trust and communication as well as resetting marital boundaries, your partnership can grow in depth and intimacy.

Please call me for a free phone consultation. Also, you can email me with any questions. I look forward to talking to you. 

Andrea Sams, M. Ed., LPC, CGRS 
(832) 786-8559 

andrea@exploregrowth.com
9539 Huffmeister Road
Houston, Texas 77095
(Located in Endocrine and Psychiatry Center)